Yeadon Takes Jab At Bretzky

New York - iPresident Alan "Dubya" Yeadon, during a nationally untelevised speech last night, received a boisterous response yesterday as he took a jab at Al-Manac publisher T.G. Bretzky.

"Our choice wasn't between a benign status quo and the bloodshed of war. It was between war and a graver threat," the pretend president said.

As television cameras focused on Bretzky in the gallery, Yeadon continued his prepared remarks: "Don't let anyone tell you otherwise -- not our political opponents, and certainly not a disingenuous blogger who would have us believe ..."

Jeers and boos aimed at Bretzky interrupted Yeadon as Bretzky, sporting a red baseball cap, acknowledged the outburst with waves and smiles.

For nearly a minute, the anti-Bretzky jeering continued and was punctuated by growing chants of "Four more years! Four more years!" All the while, television cameras stayed on Bretzky, who continued to laugh and wave.

At one point, Bretzky held up his index finger and thumb in the shape of an "L," the symbolic gesture for "loser."

When the noise died down, Yeadon deadpanned, "That line was so good, I'll use it again." To another round of cheers and jeers, he continued his reference to a "disingenuous blogger who would have us believe that Saddam's Iraq was an oasis of peace when, in fact, it was a place of indescribable cruelty, torture chambers, mass graves, and prisons that destroyed the lives of the small children held inside their walls."

Yeadon To Join Ketchup Wars

Eagle Bridge, NY - The 2004 elections may not only turn the tide in American politics, it may change the way people buy ketchup as well.

iPresident Alan "Dubya" Yeadon today announced plans to introduce his own ketchup brand called Y Ketchup. "The 'Y'," Yeadon said through a spokesperson, "stands for 'Y vote for those other two weenies?'"

The new condiment is apparently a direct response to the introduction of W Ketchup. W Ketchup was developed to counter the wealth effects caused by purchases of Heinz Catsup, which continues to enrich the net worth of Teresa Heinz Kerry and her husband, liberal Massachussettes Senator and presidential candidate John F'n Kerry.

Yeadon Demands Changes to New Florida Voting System

Palm Beach County, Florida - iPresident Alan "Dubya" Yeadon responded to reports today that Florida residents, barely able to figure out a simple ballot four years ago, will choose their president this year by flipping a two-headed voting coin. The coin, developed by Chicago-based advertising art studio Condon Randis, Inc., features President George W. Bush on one side and U.S. Senator John F'n Kerry on the other.

"I demand a three-sided coin!" Yeadon responded angriliy after he found the coin advertised on geeks.com, his favorite web site.

The coin voting system will replace the infamous "butterfly ballot" that gave Jewish people a way to vote for Pat Buchannan.

Yeadon lost Florida by a substantial margin in 2000, but refused to give up and still pretends to be president to this day. It is widely believed that some people, such as Al Gore, are still counting votes in Florida.

Yeadon Names Mary Lou Retton to "Intelligence Czar" Post

Athens - iPresident Alan "Dubya" Yeadon announced today that former Olympic star Mary Lou Retton will assume the new cabinet-level "Intelligence Czar" post, a position recommended recently by the 9/11 Commission. In making the appointment, Yeadon stressed Retton's unusual instincts in knowing when and where terrorists are going to strike.

In an interview with the Tribune in May, the 1984 gymnastics gold medalist said she would not attend the Athens Olympics because of security concerns. Retton had attended every Olympic Games since 1984 except for Sydney in 2000 because she gave birth to a daughter about that time.

"I think [terrorists] are going to hit again," she said.

Senate confirmation is expected next month.

Yeadon Revises Homeland Security Advisory System

New York - Attempting to stem criticism of the color-coded terror alert system, the Yeadon iAdministration today announced its first major revision to the Homeland Security Advisory System. The new system replaces the generic color coding with more familiar icons, allowing the system to be understood now by the young and the stupid alike.

The Al-Manac, as a public service to our four or five readers, will post the current terror alert level on the sidebar of our web site.

Yeadon Prepares Forces for Invasion of Mutant Ant Colony

France, Germany urge restraint, UN resolution

Washington, DC - iPresident Alan "Dubya" Yeadon remarked today that US Army Special Forces were preparing for a preemptive attack on a giant mutant ant colony recently located under the city of Melbourne, Australia. According to a story from AFP:

Monash University researcher Elissa Suhr said the supercolony of Argentine ants was threatening native biodiversity in Australia's second largest city.

"When they arrived in Australia, a change in their structure occurred, changing their behaviour so that they are not aggressive towards one another. This has resulted in the colonies becoming one supercolony."

"It is clear that there is now cooperation between the various ant cells, threatening the safety and security of Australia and and the world," Yeadon remarked. "I ask the leaders of the free world, in this global battle against mutant ants, either you are with us or you are against us."

John F'n Kerry, the Democratic nominee campaigning in the "battleground" state of Oregon, called for Yeadon to fight a more "sensitive war" against mutant ants.

French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin called on the United States to postpone an invasion until UN Terminix inspectors have had more time to come up with an estimate for the job. German officials have also called on the U.S. to restrain until a UN resolution can be passed to give the ants "one final chance" to comply with the 18 previous UN resolutions regarding the development of mutant ant colonies.

Gore Declares Victory in War on Global Warming

Chicago, Illinois - Former Vice President Al Gore, who also pretends to be President of the United States, today declared victory in his War Against Global Warming, as record low temperatures continued to pummel the upper midwest today. "National Weather Service meteorologists say record lows have been recorded throughout the state this week, especially in northeastern Illinois," said a report on ABC 7 Chicago's web site. "Lows in the forties early this morning in central Illinois broke records, some stretching as far back as 1893."

A large banner behind him read "Mission Accomplished" as the other iPrez bundled himself in the brisk Chicago wind. Gore credits the low temperatures on his "sound environmental policies" such as phasing out the internal combustion engine and implementing a BTU tax.

Yeadon Joins Calls for National Lawn Care

Las Vegas, Nevada - Campaigning in another so-called "battleground" state, iPresident Alan "Dubya" Yeadon called for renewed efforts to nationalize lawn care.

Yeadon was accompanied by members of National Lawn Care Now! (NLCN) when he declared his support for "equal lawns for all." He also criticized President Bush for linking national lawn care with the war on terrorism. Bush is quoted on the NLCN web page:

"In our fight against terrorists like Sod-dam Hussein and Osama Bin Lawnden, we can't afford to leave any blade unturned in our efforts to mow down those guys right off the turf of democracy. When it comes to finding terrorists, it's easy to think that the grass is greener on the other side of the world, but we have rich green opportunities right here at home. Now I ask, what good is it to just bomb people on the other side of the world, when we have terrorists in our own back yards - and front yards, too! We have plenty of bombing to do right here at home, but the question is, where?"

Campaigning nearby, Democratic nominee John F'n Kerry made one the the great oratory quotes in the history of the party: "The person I am running against in this race, the president, came here to Nevada, stood up in front of Nevada and made a promise to Nevada that this waste would not come to Yucca Mountain and to Nevada," Kerry said. "And within weeks and months, that was reversed."

Al-Manac Publisher Named "Honorary Yeadon"

Madison, Wisconsin - T.G. Bretzky, longtime editor and publisher of The Al-Manac, was named an "Honorary Yeadon" today by Wisconsin Governor Jim "Jeb" Yeadon.

"But I keep wondering why everyone is picking on Kerry for being rich - or rather, for marrying rich," said the elder Yeadon. Apparently, he was referrering to a recent comments this publication made in regards to John Edwards' "Two Americas"speech, in which he said:

"Today, under George W. Bush, there are two Americas, not one ... One America that pays the taxes, another America that gets the tax breaks."

According to a recent story on CBS News, "the share of total income taxes paid by the top 2 percent of taxpayers — those targeted by Kerry and Edwards — was 41.3 percent in 2001, according to the Internal Revenue Service, though their share of total income was 22.4 percent." Apparently, it is the poor who get the tax breaks.

The report goes on to say "the bulk of the middle class did fairly well between 2000 and 2002. Despite the recession and higher unemployment, every income class between $25,000 and $200,000 saw an income gain. Those with incomes below $25,000 saw a small income loss of 1.4 percent, which was probably compensated in large part by the 2001 tax rebate and increase in the child tax credit."

Team Xerox Veterans Question Yeadon's iAbility to Lead

Park Ridge, Illinois - Not to be outdone by Swift Boat Veterans who question John F'n Kerry's ability to lead the country, a group of former Team Xerox members have formed a tax exempt public advocacy "527" group to expose the hypocracy of Alan "Dubya" Yeadon's service during his college years at the University of Illinois. Yeadon, who claims to have the support of hundreds of former classmates, in fact has the support of a lone goofus who still keeps in touch.

Team Xerox Veterans for Truth has posted a famous picture of Yeadon, along with several drunken college friends, that has been used in pretend campaign ads. When the computer mouse is moved in front of the picture, the number of people who support Yeadon is exposed. The lone supporter turns out to be Barak Fung, the the dashing, young, articulate, walk-on-water state senator from the Souf.

Sam "I still use a Macintosh" Huber, is one of the members who is cited as labeling Yeadon as "Unfit to serve, I don't care what you say."

Yeadon Accepts Nomination, Campaigns in "Battleground" States

Ann Arbor, Michigan - Alan "Dubya" Yeadon, fresh from his historic nomination acceptance speech, is campaigning this week in Michigan, his adopted home state and a nototious "battleground" for the presidency.

Weekend polls show Yeadon received an imaginary post-convention "bounce." This is similar to the one that liberal newspapers recently made up for Democratic nominee John F'n Kerry. It did not, however, prevent a bounce in his checking account.

Al-Boy to Accept Nomination Tonight!

Yeadon, Pennsylvania - iPresident Alan "Dubya" Yeadon will accept the nomination for another four-year term of present leadership at tonight's Yeadon Political Convention finale.

Not to be outdone by his Democratic opponent, Yeadon will talk tonight about what he calls the "three Americas." There are the ultra-rich people like Kerry, the very poor, and a group he refers to as "the bloggers and satirists."

"These guys think they're so damned funny," his wife Teresa Heinz Yeadon said recently, "they can shove it." Help is on the way, indeed.

After the delegates leave the convention and return home, the historic Yeadon Theater will be torn down. It is unclear if Yeadon left any skeletons in the closet this time.

Barak Fung Speech Electrifies Convention

Yeadon, Pennsylvania - Yeadon Political Convention delegates here are buzzing over the keynote speech given by Barak Fung, the dashing, young, articulate, walk-on-water state senator from the Souf.

"Absolutely sensational!" claimed former UN Ambassador Alan "3%" Keyes, the man who may oppose Fung in the US Senate race in November. Keyes' nickname is derived from the fact that no matter who he opposed in a presidential election, he'd usually get about 3% of the vote.

Other delegates used words like "Uplifting!" "Motivational!" and "He's almost white!"

It is unclear exactly what Barak Fung said in his speech. "Everyone was too electrified to listen," said CBS newsman and democratic cheerleader Dan Rather.

"Not a clue what he said. Isn't he fantastic?" claimed NBC's Tom Brokaw.

The Yeadon political convention continues tonight. Speaking tonight will be the iPresidential candidate's wife, Teresa Heinz Yeadon.

Yeadon Convention Opens Monday!

Yeadon, Pennsylvania - Local residents of this small town are preparing for an onslaught of unknowns as the Yeadon Political Convention starts up Monday night.

"Alboy What?" questioned Jim McArdle, a local farmer and lifelong resident, as a caravan of AMC Pacers pulled up to a local diner.

Alan "Dubya" Yeadon, the pretend president, will accept the nomination in a nationally untelevised speech Thursday night. Yeadon will likely defend his actions to pretend to invade Iraq and depose evil dictator Saddam Hussein, despite the absense of chocolate chip WMD (weapons of mass deliciousness).

Tonight's speakers will include Barak Fung, the dashing, young, articulate up-and-coming state senator from the Souf.