Packers Solidify Last Place

Minneapolis - Former Bear Paul Edinger kicked a 56-yard field goal as time ran out in the game as the Minnesota Vikings defeated Green Bay 23-20. The Packers fell to 1-5 and solidified their last-place standing.

Meanwhile, the Chicago Bears retained first place by defeating the Baltimore Ravens 10-6 on Sunday. The Ravens had the second-best defense in the NFL going into that game.

The Vikings were considered the worst team in the NFL prior to Sunday.

Yesterday, President Bush nominated Ben Bernanke to fix the Packers problems.

President Bush Asks Nagin, Blanco to Lead Pakistan Earthquake Fundraising

Washington DC - In an effort to deflect criticism over his handling of another major natural disaster, President Bush today announced that he has asked New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin and Louisiana Governor Kathleen "Babs" Blanco to lead a nationwide fundraising effort to help the victims of the Pakistan earthquake.

"These two individuals have shown tremendous incompentence in dealing with disaster," Bush said at a news conference earlier today. "I can't think of any other two people more qualified to screw up fundraising, shift blame to the federal government, and make me look bad again."

The Nagin-Blanco Earthquake Fund was modeled off the Bush-Clinton Katrina Fund, which has raised millions of dollars to help the people of the Gulf Coast affected by Hurricance Katrina.

Packers Rout Homeless Team

Green Bay, Wisconsin - Brett Favre threw three touchdown passes despite playing without four offensive starters and losing running back Najeh Davenport to a season-ending ankle injury in the second quarter of Green Bay's 52-3 rout of New Orleans.

New Orleans became a homeless football team when Mayor Ray Nagin, in his infinite wisdom, turned the Superdome into a stinking hellhole by using it as a hurricane shelter. In honor of the victims of mayoral incompetence, the team recently changed its name from the Saints to the Refugees.

After receiving criticism from Jesse Jackson and other folks on the angry left, the team retracted its new name and now calls itself the New Orleans Seminoles.

Bush: God Told Me The Packers Suck

Washington - President Bush on Thursday, in a speech before the National Endowment for Democracy, reportedly claimed he was told by God that the Packers suck.

The speech, given as poll numbers continue to show declining American support for the NFC North Division, was viewed as an important one as the Packers get ready for a Sunday showdown against the New Orleans Saints in Green Bay.

Additionally, President George Bush has claimed he was told by God to invade Iraq and attack Osama bin Laden's stronghold of Afghanistan as part of a divine mission to bring peace to the Middle East, security for Israel, and a state for the Palestinians.

The President made the assertion during his first meeting with Palestinian leaders in June 2003, according to a BBC series which will be broadcast this month.

However, the White House denied Thursday that President Bush said God told him to invade Iraq and Afghanistan and to ensure the creation of a Palestinian state.

"He's never made such comments," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan, "nor did God tell him about the Packers. Heck, he just picked up a newspaper and looked at the standings."

Packers 0-4; Favre Blames Dr. Phil's "Shape Up!" Diet

Charlotte, N.C. - Brett Favre stood alone at midfield, watching in frustrated disbelief as the Carolina Panthers celebrated the end of his improbable rally. It was vintage Favre, but despite his best efforts, the Green Bay Packers are off to their worst start in 17 years.

Meanwhile, the Chicago Bears moved into first place with a 1-2 record by virtue of taking the weekend off. It was Chicago's best idle week in six years.

Favre, who fumbled once and threw a late 2nd quarter interception, blamed his poor performace on his strict adherence to the "Shape Up!" diet over the summer. "That Dr. Phil is a big fat bald useless sumbitch," Favre noted in a post-game press conference.

The "Shape Up!" diet, which was discontinued last year, called for dieters to take 22 herbal supplements and vitamin pills a day and cost about $120 a month. The plan also advised dieters to adopt a low-calorie diet and to exercise. Three disgruntled dieters on Monday asked a Los Angeles County Superior Court judge to expand their fraud claim into a national class-action lawsuit. They're seeking refunds and additional damages.

Yeadon Nominates Old Ugly Liberal Woman to High Court

Ann Arbor - In a move that delighted many liberals and shocked conservatives, iPrez Alan "Dubya" Yeadon today nominated some ugly old liberal woman to succeed swing vote Justice Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court.

"Take that, you bastards!" Yeadon shouted at liberal Senate democrats who were itching to strike down the nominee even before she was named.

She once was a donor to Democratic causes, according to PoliticalMoneyLine, a Washington-based company that tracks campaign finance disclosures. In 1998 she gave $1,000 each to Al Gore's presidential campaign, Lloyd Bentsen's U.S. Senate campaign and the Democratic National Committee.

Later in the day, after he awoke from a 72-hour drunk, Yeadon was quoted as saying "I nominated WHAT?"