Giant Squid Question FEMA Response

Tokyo - The giant squid can be found in books and in myths, but for the first time, a team of Japanese scientists has captured on film one of the most mysterious creatures of the deep sea in its natural habitat. And boy, are they pissed!

The team led by Tsunemi Kubodera, from the National Science Museum in Tokyo, tracked the 26-foot long Architeuthis as it attacked prey nearly 3,000 feet deep off the coast of Japan's Bonin islands.

"We believe this is the first time a grown giant squid has been captured on camera in its natural habitat," said Kyoichi Mori, a marine researcher who co-authored a piece in Wednesday's issue of the Proceedings of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences.

Despite living in seclusion for apparently millions of years, the squid have openly attacked FEMA for ignoring them for so long. "What the hell took you guys so long?" questioned the squid when discovered. "We've been waiting for food, shelter, water, you know, basic necessities."

President Bush today acknowledged that the federal government's response to giant squid has been inadequate and accepted responsibility. Bush is pushing for millions of dollars of federal aid to develop a "DEEP" zone for the squid, in hopes of spurring economic growth under 3000 feet of water. Congress is likely to approve.

Longwell Misses Extra Point, Pack Loses Again

Bush accepts responsibility for Packer futility

Green Bay, Wisconsin - "Cadillac'' Williams ran for 158 yards on 37 carries and Will "Bad Hands" Allen grabbed two of Tampa Bay's three interceptions in a 17-16 victory over Green Bay on Sunday, the Buccaneers' first win at Lambeau Field since 1989.

Tampa Bay snapped a 13-game road losing streak in Lambeau dating to Sept. 10, 1989, in part because of Ryan Longwell's missed extra point -- the first in a franchise-record 157 attempts.

President Bush, looking for more ways to increase federal spending, spoke to reporters shortly after the game. "The Packer kicking game exposed serious problems in our response capability at all levels of government, and to the extent that the federal government didn't fully do it's job right, I take responsibility," Bush said. "I want to know what went right and what went wrong."

Meanwhile, iPrez Alan "Dubya" Yeadon today criticized the media for an anti-Packer bias. Blogger Matthew Sheffield, who noted that CBSNews.com omitted the word "federal" from a similar statement made by President Bush regarding the response to Hurricane Katrina, has begun to shift focus from liberal bias to anti-Packer bias. However, noting that the Pack is 0-3 for the first time in 17 years, Sheffield said today the Packers "suck" and would now return to exposing CNN for it's crappy liberal reporting.

Yeadon Calls For Calm in Harvard School Milk Dispute

iPrez ready to send Secretary of State to negotiate settlement

Harvard, Illinois - In the original hometown of pretend-president Alan "Dubya" Yeadon, school board officials here showed why being the valedictorian usually means getting out of town in a hurry once you graduate and become self-unemployed.

The school board's decision to save $1,100 by choosing an out-of-town dairy as its milk supplier over local Dean Foods--the community's largest employer and local benefactor of first resort--has caused an uproar in this McHenry County cow town, famed for the Milk Days festival it has held annually since 1942.

The town has built its reputation on milk, much of it Dean's. Besides being splashed across more than 200 milk trucks that rumble the streets daily, the Dean Foods logo is virtually everywhere in town: on the high school scoreboard, on the town mural, on the list of most prominent sponsors at fundraising benefits.

From Milky Way Park to the fiberglass cow Harmilda--a local landmark provided gratis by Dean's--parents are fuming and students are complaining. The backlash even prompted the school board president, Ken Book, to read a carefully worded statement during Monday's board meeting to explain the decision and calm tempers.

City leaders who depend on the tens of thousands of dollars that Dean pours into the community are worried that Dean's generosity might dry up.

"Those that I have talked to just think this is the dumbest thing the school board could have done," Ald. Scott Logan said. "Here we have a local company that has done all sorts of things for this community for many years, and they've snubbed their noses at them."

Experts believe the dispute could result in more self-unemployed people leaving town. "I'm just fed up with all this milk bulls***," said one Ayer Street small business owner who refused to be identified. "Why can't we just be a normal town, like Cicero or something?"

Yeadon, during a news conference at his white house, said he was prepared to send Secretary of State Condoleeza Fung to mediate the dispute. "I trust the idiots in my former hometown can come to an amicable solution, whatever that means" Yeadon said.

Experts believe that the tension over the milk contract could spill into outright civil war. No word whether Cindy Sheehan, who at last report was stalking President Bush, was readying an Angry Left peace rally.

Packers in Last Place; Bush Promises Federal Government Will Solve

New Orleans - Embracing a new form of "compassionate conservatism," President Bush today announced several new federal spending initiatives, including improvements for the last place Green Bay Packers.

Details still are emerging, and the cost, no doubt staggering, still isn't known.

Additionally, Bush called for a large federal government effort in the reconstruction of New Orleans and other parts of Louisiana, plus areas of Mississippi and Alabama:

• Federal funds would help to repair public infrastructure, including roads, schools and water systems.
• Within a Gulf Opportunity Zone, called the ''GO Zone,'' there would be incentives for job-creating investments, such as tax relief and loans for small businesses.
• Federally funded worker recovery accounts up to $5,000 each would go to evacuees for job training, classes or child care related to securing employment.
• An Urban Homesteading Act would make federal property free to poor families, via a lottery system. In turn, they would secure a mortgage or financial help (perhaps from Habitat for Humanity) to build on the lot.

Further, Bush said disaster relief on a large scale requires ''greater federal authority and a broader role for the armed forces --- the institution of our government most capable of massive logistical operations on a moment's notice.'' Bush said he will use National Guard troops to re-enforce the Green Bay offensive line and help Brett Favre and company get more victories.

Bush is rumored to announce more federal initiatives this week, which include bailout of the bankrupt airlines, fixing the pension plans for all US-based companies, ridding the world of the common cold, reducing gas prices to 38-cents per gallon, paying off the Rolling Stones to stop playing concerts, getting the Chicago Cubs into the World Series, proving the Riemann Hypothesis, and showing that solving the general seventh degree equation by functions of two variables is an impossibility.

Packers Spoil Al-Boy Birthday Brast

Green Bay, Wisconsin - The Packers came out of the locker room early to watch Reggie White's No. 92 unveiled beneath the north end zone alongside those of Don Hutson, Tony Canadeo, Bart Starr and Ray Nitschke. White's widow, Sara, spoke to the crowd, and highlights were shown of White sacking quarterback after quarterback and holding the Lombardi Trophy aloft after the Packers' Super Bowl win following the 1996 season.

Then, in his white house in Michigan, iPresident Al-Boy Yeadon put himself into a drunken stuper and watched the Packers continue their sucky play in losing their home opener for the third straight season.

Elsewhere, the Chicago Bears romped the Detroit Lions 38-6 and took control of the NFC North Division. Al-Manac editor T.G. Bretzky, who owes Yeadon approximately 48 billion gallons of beer over Packer/Bear game bets over the past 15 years, said he was "pleased" with the Bears' effort and looks forward to a double-or-nothing bet later this year.

Power Outages in Los Angeles; FEMA Response Already Criticized

Breaking News - Al-Manac Exclusive

Los Angeles - A major power outage hit Los Angeles about one hour ago.

Democrats are already criticizing President Bush for lack of responsiveness in the crisis and aftermath. Calls for the resignation of the replacement for Federal Emergency Management Agency Director Mike Brown are already underway.

Details to come.

Bush Nominates John Roberts to Succeed Bob Denver as next "Gilligan"

Washington DC - Moving quickly to fill the vacancy, a somber President Bush today nominated John Roberts as the next "Gilligan."

If confirmed by the Senate, Roberts would replace Bob Denver, who died Friday at Wake Forest University Baptist Hospital in North Carolina of complications from treatment he was receiving for cancer.

Roberts served as a Justice Department attorney under President Reagan and former President Bush before joining the U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in 2003.

As he made the announcement this morning, Bush called Roberts "a man of integrity and fairness." Roberts said he's "honored and humbled" to be chosen to succed a man he deeply respects and admires.

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist says he still expects Roberts to be confirmed before the fall TV season begins, four weeks from today. He calls Roberts an "excellent choice."

But Democratic leader Harry Reid says the stakes are now higher -- and that "the Senate must be vigilant."

Jefferson Parish President Challenges Mayor Nagin for Title of Supreme Communicator

New Orleans - A battle is brewing in this devestated area over who will hold the title of Supreme Communicator. Today Aaron Broussard, president of Jefferson Parish, made his case during an appearance on CBS' The Early Show.

"So I'm asking Congress," Broussard said, "please investigate this now. Take whatever idiot they have at the top of whatever agency and give me a better idiot. Give me a caring idiot. Give me a sensitive idiot. Just don't give me the same idiot."

New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin attempted to defend the title of Supreme Communicator on NBC's Today Show when he stated that "it wouldn't be unreasonable" if 10,000 died. What would a unreasonable number has still not been determined by the idiots at the top of whatever agency.

Saturn's Rings Are Changing; Jesse Jackson Blames Bush, Global Warming, Iraq, Racism

Boulder, Colorado - New observations from the Cassini spacecraft indicate some of Saturn`s rings are changing.

University of Colorado-Boulder Professor Larry Esposito of the Laboratory for Atmospheric and Space Physics said particle clusters in Saturn`s outermost ring, the A ring, are regularly torn apart and reassembled by gravitational forces from the planet.

CU-Boulder planetary scientist Joshua Colwell said researchers believe Saturn`s ring particles are composed of ice, dust and rock, and range in size from dust grains to mountains. The new observations of the particle clusters indicate the A ring is primarily empty space.

Scientists have also determined parts of Saturn`s D ring, the innermost ring, have relocated and dimmed, some moving toward Saturn by as much as 124 miles.

Also being analyzed are the discovery of clumps and knots in the F ring -- some of which may be small moons -- and a spiral ring around the planet in the vicinity of the F ring.

Former civil rights activist Jesse Jackson was quick to place blame for the changes. During an interview on CNN, Jackson said "Clearly President Bush has failed the African-American community when it comes to Saturn's rings."

"The changing of the rings of Saturn are obviously caused by Bush's failure to sign the Kyoto Treaty," Jackson continued, "while the money to fix the problems are being spent on the war in Iraq. If these rings were white, we would be addressing the issue immediately."

Also today, it was widely reported that President Bush is responsible for the extinction of dinosuars.

Yeadon Compliments New Orleans Mayoral Leadership

Baton Rouge - iPresident Alan "Dubya" Yeadon today held a press conference today where he complimented New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin on his keen leadership over the past week.

Nagin, in an interview with radio station WWL, said "You know, I'm not one of those drug addicts. I am thinking very clearly. And I don't know whose problem it is. I don't know whether it's the governor's problem. I don't know whether it's the president's problem, but somebody needs to get their ass on a plane and sit down, the two of them, and figure this out right now."

"He's kind of like Guiliani in New York after 9/11, except for the Guiliani part," Yeadon said. "But I'm happy to get off my asses and go to New Orleans along with every doggone Greyhound bus line in the country."