Packers in Last Place; Bush Promises Federal Government Will Solve

New Orleans - Embracing a new form of "compassionate conservatism," President Bush today announced several new federal spending initiatives, including improvements for the last place Green Bay Packers.

Details still are emerging, and the cost, no doubt staggering, still isn't known.

Additionally, Bush called for a large federal government effort in the reconstruction of New Orleans and other parts of Louisiana, plus areas of Mississippi and Alabama:

• Federal funds would help to repair public infrastructure, including roads, schools and water systems.
• Within a Gulf Opportunity Zone, called the ''GO Zone,'' there would be incentives for job-creating investments, such as tax relief and loans for small businesses.
• Federally funded worker recovery accounts up to $5,000 each would go to evacuees for job training, classes or child care related to securing employment.
• An Urban Homesteading Act would make federal property free to poor families, via a lottery system. In turn, they would secure a mortgage or financial help (perhaps from Habitat for Humanity) to build on the lot.

Further, Bush said disaster relief on a large scale requires ''greater federal authority and a broader role for the armed forces --- the institution of our government most capable of massive logistical operations on a moment's notice.'' Bush said he will use National Guard troops to re-enforce the Green Bay offensive line and help Brett Favre and company get more victories.

Bush is rumored to announce more federal initiatives this week, which include bailout of the bankrupt airlines, fixing the pension plans for all US-based companies, ridding the world of the common cold, reducing gas prices to 38-cents per gallon, paying off the Rolling Stones to stop playing concerts, getting the Chicago Cubs into the World Series, proving the Riemann Hypothesis, and showing that solving the general seventh degree equation by functions of two variables is an impossibility.