Carter Predicts Unfair Election in Massachusettes
An Al-Manac Exclusive
Boston - Official Democratic excuse maker Jimmy Carter today declared that conditions for a fair election in the liberal state of Massachusettes "still don't exist."
Carter, citing the experience of his Carter Center in monitoring international elections, said "some basic international requirements for a fair election are missing in Massachusettes."
Most significant, he said, were requirements that a nonpartisan electoral commission or official organize and conduct the electoral process and that voting procedures be uniform for all citizens.
He said Massachusettes' top election official in 2000, Democrat William Frances Galvin, was "highly partisan."
He said John F'n Kerry, the Massachusettes Senator, had done little to "correct these departures from principles of fair and equal treatment."
"With reforms unlikely at this late stage of the election, perhaps the only recourse will be to focus maximum public scrutiny on the suspicious process in Massachusettes," Carter said.
Democrats Name Chief Excuse-Maker in Florida
Washington - Poised once again to lose Florida, and this time by far more than 537 votes, Democrats have appointed former President Jimmy Carter as official "Democratic Excuse Maker" for the 2004 election.
To kick off his new duties, Carter wrote an opinion article in today's Washington Post in which he declared "conditions for a fair election in that state still don't exist."
Carter, citing the experience of his Carter Center in monitoring international elections, said "some basic international requirements for a fair election are missing in Florida."
Most significant, he said, were requirements that a nonpartisan electoral commission or official organize and conduct the electoral process and that voting procedures be uniform for all citizens.
He said Florida's top election official in 2000, Secretary of State Katherine Harris, was "highly partisan" and that Harris' successor, Glenda Hood, has shown "the same strong bias."
He said Gov. Jeb Bush, the president's brother, had done little to "correct these departures from principles of fair and equal treatment."
"With reforms unlikely at this late stage of the election, perhaps the only recourse will be to focus maximum public scrutiny on the suspicious process in Florida," Carter said.
John F'n Kerry, the liberal Massachusettes Senator who pretends to run for president, said in an interview today that he actually voted for election reform in Florida before he voted against it, and as president would send thousands of French troops in to monitor the election in what he called the "right war at the right time."
CBS Apologizes for Fake 1980's Al-Manacs
New York - CBS News has formally apologized for using documents in a recent "60 Minutes" story about iPresident Alan "Dubya" Yeadon, the authenticity of which has been rebuffed by bloggers and former electrical engineering professors.
The questionable documents appear to have been produced on a low-end dot-matrix printer using a DOS-based software package called "News Room." Crude clip-art -like pictures appear throughout.
"This technology simply didn't exist at the engineering school 1987, whatever that means," was posted on a blog maintained by someone using the handle "MurrayBabe-Cock39."
In the "60 Minutes" story, questions arose surrounding Yeadon's work ethic during college, and whether he really attended classes. The documents paint a picture of a young man more interested in cookie bakes and bumper manufacturing, rather than antenna theory.
Bears Beat Packers; Yeadon Demands Recount
Green Bay, Wisconsin - Upon turning off his television in anger this afternoon, iPresident Alan "Dubya" Yeadon spit out his last drink of Stroh's and declared shennanigans in the scoring of this afternoon's Bears/Packers NFL game.
"23 first downs for the Packers, only 18 for the Bears," Yeadon whined. "404 total yards to the Bears 314. Clearly the people have spoken, and the Packers have won the game."
Yeadon furthered his point by demonstrating the Farve Beach County "Butterfly Pass," in which the throw floats "butterfly-like" over the intended receiver and lands in the opponents' hands. Yeadon has hired 400 lawyers to begin a recount effort.
Several minorities have claimed to be disenfranchised by this loss. Former Bears head coach Dave Wannstedt, for one, claimed discrimination as current head coach Love E. Smith, an African-American, equaled Wanny's win total against Green Bay over his six years.
Yeadon Celebrates GLOB Day
Ann Arbor, Michigan - iPresident Alan "Dubya" Yeadon celebrated National GLOB Day today in this "battleground" state, in honor of Sam "I Still Use A Macintosh" Huber's birthday. Huber, a Team Xerox/CCCP Alumni member and skilled break-dancer, reportedly returned the favor by burning some bacon, putting cookies in the oven, and then leaving for Spring Break.
Yeadon's celebration capped off a busy day in which the presidential candidate boarded up his house, threw a chair at some baseball fans, and dropped a baby from his car.
Yeadon Defeats Jennings, Ends 'Jeopardy' Win Streak
Al-Manac Exclusive
Hollywood - As Associated Press reports today that brainy software engineer Ken Jennings' record 'Jeopardy' win streak ended in a show taped Tuesday, The Al-Manac has learned that iPresident Alan "Dubya" Yeadon is the man who finally defeated him.
Audience members, who wished to remain anonymous, reported that Yeadon breezed through Jeopardy categories such as "Bumper Manufacturing," "Self Unemployment," "Substitute Teaching," and "Defunct Breweries." In "Final Jeopardy," Yeadon reportedly nailed a question on the subject "Plane-Wave Scattering-Matrix Theory of Anntenas."
Jennings' win streak reportedly reached 74 games, in which he won in excess of $2 million. Yeadon's credit card debt is approximately the same.
Frances Spins Toward Florida; Evacuations Recommended
Palm Beach County, Florida - Packing sustained winds of 140 MPH and headed directly toward the battleground state of Florida, Hurricane Frances is expected to cause major damage when it hits the coast late this weekend.
In advance of the catastrophe, iPresident Alan "Dubya" Yeadon is recommending people evacuate the state immediately, then return in an orderly fashion after the storm has passed.
"Republicans may return soon after the storm," Yeadon declared. "Democrats, who of course know better, should return when the danger is well past, and the flood waters have receded, say in mid-November."
