Reggie White, Walter Payton Ready for Weekend Battle

Chicago - After 15 years, Walter Payton and Reggie White finally get their rematch.

This Sunday below the new Soldier Field, in a little area of hell known for housing Chicago Park District skeletons, the deceased superstars will do battle in what is being called the "Tsunami Rematch" between the Dead Bears and the Dead Packers.

Both live teams, like their late star players, appear dead as the season's end approaches.

Yeadon Visits Victims of Global Cheese Shortage

Milwaukee, Wisconsin - Lame duck iPresident Alan "Dubya" Yeadon today visited with victims of the global cheese shortage today in Wisconsin.

Yeadon called on Congress to act before this national tragedy spreads elsewhere in the world. "The people of Wisconsin have been forced to eat healther," Yeadon noted. "Plain vegetables, for example. Crackers with only sausage. Greasy burgers without the 40-cent extra cheese slice." Yeadon suggested the matter be taken up by the UN Security Council, noting the cheese-eating surrender monkey French were unlikely to veto any cheese shortage-related resolution.

But Imperial Senate leaders warned that the UN could not be trusted in alleviating the shortage, noting the recent oil-for-cheese scandal that enriched relatives of Kofi Annan. Soldiers in Iraq have been found digging through local landfills for scrap cheese to armor up their vehicles.