Yeadon Calls For Calm in Harvard School Milk Dispute

iPrez ready to send Secretary of State to negotiate settlement

Harvard, Illinois - In the original hometown of pretend-president Alan "Dubya" Yeadon, school board officials here showed why being the valedictorian usually means getting out of town in a hurry once you graduate and become self-unemployed.

The school board's decision to save $1,100 by choosing an out-of-town dairy as its milk supplier over local Dean Foods--the community's largest employer and local benefactor of first resort--has caused an uproar in this McHenry County cow town, famed for the Milk Days festival it has held annually since 1942.

The town has built its reputation on milk, much of it Dean's. Besides being splashed across more than 200 milk trucks that rumble the streets daily, the Dean Foods logo is virtually everywhere in town: on the high school scoreboard, on the town mural, on the list of most prominent sponsors at fundraising benefits.

From Milky Way Park to the fiberglass cow Harmilda--a local landmark provided gratis by Dean's--parents are fuming and students are complaining. The backlash even prompted the school board president, Ken Book, to read a carefully worded statement during Monday's board meeting to explain the decision and calm tempers.

City leaders who depend on the tens of thousands of dollars that Dean pours into the community are worried that Dean's generosity might dry up.

"Those that I have talked to just think this is the dumbest thing the school board could have done," Ald. Scott Logan said. "Here we have a local company that has done all sorts of things for this community for many years, and they've snubbed their noses at them."

Experts believe the dispute could result in more self-unemployed people leaving town. "I'm just fed up with all this milk bulls***," said one Ayer Street small business owner who refused to be identified. "Why can't we just be a normal town, like Cicero or something?"

Yeadon, during a news conference at his white house, said he was prepared to send Secretary of State Condoleeza Fung to mediate the dispute. "I trust the idiots in my former hometown can come to an amicable solution, whatever that means" Yeadon said.

Experts believe that the tension over the milk contract could spill into outright civil war. No word whether Cindy Sheehan, who at last report was stalking President Bush, was readying an Angry Left peace rally.