Resurrection

Rising from the dead.

Planning Continues for Al-Manac 20th Anniversary

Park Ridge, IL (Reuters) - T.G. Bretzky, publisher of The Al-Manac, reportedly continues to plan to make plans for the upcoming 20th anniversary on July 29th. However, it is doubtful he will meet the benchmarks set by Congress for progress toward a successful celebration.

So far, Bretzky has located and scanned in two orginal issues of The Al-Manac from 1987, and emailed them to Ricardo Montalban.

Senators Nancy Reid and Harry Pelosi have criticized Bretzky for not posting these issues on the internet, and called for immediate withdrawal of the celebration.

Al-Manac Publisher Prepares for 20th Anniversary

Park Ridge, IL (Reuters) - T.G. Bretzky, publisher of The Al-Manac, today announced plans to make plans for the Al-Manac's 20th Anniversary on July 29.

"I'm thinking I'll scan in some old issues and maybe try to get the blog going again," the on-and-off satirist said in a weekend interview with himself. "If I get real ambitious, I'll try to get some commentary from Alboy's old roommates."

Observers at "Al-Manac Watch .com" said they doubted Bretzky's ambition.

"He hasn't posted in over a year," said a spokesperson. "It's just like his homework back in EE 350."

The Al-Manac's first edition was published on July 29, 1987. It was created on an IBM XT 286 computer using a software package called "News Room." It was printed on a dot-matrix printer, Xerox'd and distributed amongst Team Xerox and CCCP members.

Prior to publishing The Al-Manac, Bretzky edited and published The Daily Dave as a satire on his former boss at UIUC. He was also co-publisher of The Daily Rumor in Mrs. Johnson's 5th grade class, writing under the pseudonym "Bob Woodweird."

Ryan "Imbecile" Verdict - More Coverage

New York Times: "Mr. Ryan is best known for his finding, in the final 48 hours of his term as governor, that the state's capital punishment system was broken; he was later nominated for a Nobel Prize for commuting more than 160 death sentences. But in this courtroom, witnesses and lawyers were barred from mentioning Mr. Ryan's stance on the death penalty before the jurors."

Washington Post: "The jury's decision ends the state's biggest political corruption trial in decades, and draws a conclusion on the long career of a politician who gained international fame as a death penalty critic but left office in 2003 amid a widespread corruption scandal."

Ryan "Imbecile" Verdict - Complete Coverage

CNN: http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/04/17/ryan.verdict.ap/index.html

Drudge: http://www.drudgereport.com/

ABC7Chicago: http://abclocal.go.com/wls/story?section=local&id=4089966

NBC5Chicago: http://www.nbc5.com/politics/8507704/detail.html

CBS2Chicago: http://cbs2chicago.com/topstories/local_story_107111835.html

Ryan uses the bathroom and tries to tell a funny joke: http://cbs2chicago.com/topstories/local_story_107132501.html

Jury Finds Ryan to be an Imbecile

Former Gov. George Ryan was found to be "a complete imbecile" by a federal jury Monday of all 18 counts against him, ending a historic, marathon public corruption trial that started more than six months ago.

The six-man, six-woman jury reached one of the most awaited verdicts in recent history after 10 days of deliberations and after U.S. District Judge Rebecca Pallmeyer reconstituted the panel, swapping two dismissed jurors with alternates.

Ryan's codefendant, Lawrence Warner, 67, a lobbyist and businessman. was also found "imbecile" on all counts against him.

The courtroom was packed with family of the defendants, including Ryan's wife, Lura Lynn, his son and others. Also packed in were judges and lawyers, including U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald and a son of Janet and Scott Willis. The couple lost six children in a fiery truck accident - the truck driver in that accident was tied to corruption under Ryan.

Ryan, 72, who served eight years as Illinois secretary of state and four years as governor, was accused of using his official position to steer state contracts to pals such as Warner. Ryan is also accused of lying to the FBI, misusing his campaign fund and filing false tax forms.

Prosecutors say Warner, 67, made $3 million in the time Ryan held state office. Warner made much of the money, they contended, after shaking down vendors for lobbying work and threatening to cut off their state contracts in some instances if they didn't pay him. He also made big money off of state leases that he won under Ryan in which Warner's financial interest was hidden.

The trial itself ended more than a month ago and the trial started with jury selection seven months ago.

For the record, The Al-Manac endorsed Ryan's opponent, Democrat Glenn Poshard, for the 1998 governor's race in Illinois. Poshard is one of three Democrats that T.G. Bretzky has ever voted for.

Breaking ...

Former Illinois Governor Found "Imbecile" On All Counts

Chicago - Former Illinois governor George Ryan has been found "Imbecile" on all counts in a Federal courtroom moments ago.

Breaking ....

Florida Supreme Court Strikes Down Social Security

Tallahassee - Florida's highest court on Thursday handed public school advocates a decisive victory, striking down a Federal program that gives old people taxpayer-funded vouchers for private spending. It was the first time a state Supreme Court has said states have a duty to educate students in public schools.

The ruling acknowledged as well that Social Security vouchers have the potential to drain funding from needy public schools.

The vouchers, sometimes known as OASDI, are a cornerstone of the Democratic agenda, but in a 5-2 opinion the Florida Supreme Court rebuked Franklin Roosevelt's approach, declaring the program unconstitutional and saying it funnels tax dollars into "separate private systems parallel to and in competition with the free public schools." Two Bush appointees dissented.

Established in 1935, his program was the nation's first Federal pension voucher system, allowing old people with chronically low savings to suck taxpayers dollars. Voucher supporters, mostly Democratic, nationwide have called it a promising program.

"The public never benefits from the government protecting a monopoly," Governor Jim "Jeb" Yeadon said.

Sometimes, old people use their social security checks and give money to their churches. A state appeals court had ruled that the system violated the separation of church and state in the Florida Constitution, but the state Supreme Court did not address that issue.

Letterman Debates Yeadon, Voices Support for Fired Packers Coach

New York - Late Night talk show host David Letterman, in an unually raucus interview, confronted pretend president Alan "Dubya" Yeadon on Tuesday night's show.

Displaying a hostility to President Bush and the Iraq war similar to that expressed by Comedy Central's Jon Stewart, Letterman went further than ever in revealing his derision for President Bush's decision to launch the Iraq war and contempt for anyone who dares to criticize Mike Sherman.

The following transcript, from the Media Research Center, exemplifies the confict:

Letterman: "Well, and you should be very careful with what you say also." [audience applause]

Yeadon: "Give me an example."

Letterman: "How can you possibly take exception with the motivation and the position of someone like Mike Sherman?"

Yeadon: "Because I think he's failed in the war against the Chicago Bears. I feel bad for the man. Also he's a crappy coach."

Letterman: "Have you lost family members in armed conflict?"

Yeadon: "No, I have not."

Letterman: "Well, then you can hardly speak for him, can you?" [applause]

Later, Letterman stated "60% of what you say is crap."

"Yeah, that's about right," Yeadon replied.

Yeadon Delivers Holiday Greetings

Ann Arbor, Michigan - Imaginary President Alan "Dubya" Yeadon delivered the following message to reporters this morning:

"Good morning. I'd like to wish you a very Merry Christmas and best wishes for a very happy 2006.

"It is natural at this time of the year to reflect on the past year. When I think back over 2005, I find myself being thankful to the many people who supported my agenda and made me the most successful imaginary president of all time.

"I want to begin by thanking the troops who sacrifice their very lives to defend America every day. Because of what you do, America is safer today than it was on September 11, 2001. I especially want to thank the MACG-48, MWCS-48, and MTACS-48 Marines (click for pictures). Dave Melka - if you happen to catch this message, know that you are in our thoughts and prayers every day.

"I would like to give a big 'thank-you' to members of the Democratic party for their keen leadership on the Global War on Terror. In June, Sen. Dick Durbin compared the U.S. treatment of suspected terrorists at Guantanamo Bay to conduct 'by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags' or other totalitarian regimes. On 'Face The Nation' last month, Sen. John Kerry said 'young American soldiers need to be going into the homes of Iraqis in the dead of night, terrorizing kids and children, you know, women, breaking sort of the customs of the -- of -- of -- of -- historical customs, religious customs, whether you like it or not.' And of course, U.S. Rep. John Murtha declared 'The United States cannot accomplish anything further in Iraq militarily. It is time to bring the troops home.' These three men exemplify the defeatist attitude of the left that will keep the Republican party in control of the White House and Congress for years to come.

"I would also like to thank Democrats for tackling the most important issues of our time. Whether its Social Security Reform, extension of the Patriot Act, ensuring our country is ready for a pandemic outbreak, or helping America become energy independent, your obstructive behavior has cleared the way toward making America a better country for years to come.

"I would like to thank the mainstream media for your support of my agenda this year. It is clear you have done your jobs with no regard to partisanship or, for that matter, the truth. In particular, I want to thank Dan Rather who coined 'fake but accurate' as the new standard in smearing a standing president.

"I want to thank everyone who calls me a Nazi or a racist, to those who blame me for everything from global warming to bird flu, and to Ray Nagin and Jesse Jackson for your cooperation in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

"Finally, I want to thank the Green Bay Packers, who have worked very hard this year to guarantee a top-five draft choice this year.

"May God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America."

Packers Arrive in Baltimore, Ready for "Tuesday Night Football"

Baltimore - Green Bay Packer legend Brett Farrvvrve, looking forward to one of his last nationally-televised football games, arrived in Baltimore with his teammates today ready for their "Tuesday Night Football" game.

Last night, a group of alleged athletes costumed as an NFL football team got pummeled by the Baltimore Ravens 48-3. It was the "Packers" worst beating since a 61-7 drubbing by the Chicago Bears in 1980.

Farrvvrve, who is starting to complain about his arthritis and is suffering spells of dimensia, started his morning by signing up for Medicare's "Part D" drug coverage. "Man, I'm hooked on this program" the gruffy old quarterback said to reporters.